From 'World Peace' to God's Peace
My Testimony: How a Catholic Turned New Ager
Turned To Christ
How I Saw Myself...
March 2016
Only by God's grace I became born again Christian the summer of 2014. Since then, I have been wanting to tell my loved ones...and anyone...what has happened to me. It seems every day I come to more understanding of what this entails. I actually started to write this testimony a year ago but hadn't posted it yet as I am continually being humbled by God's truth and the work He has been doing in my life. I see more what it means to truly be Christian and to believe and obey God's word, the Bible.
Wait!
Aren't humans at the mercy of the situations their born into? It's all about energy anyway so think good thoughts, raise your vibration, and treat others the way you want to be treated. This planet is dying and chaos is ensuing. The only way out is to realize that you're the creator of your life so be careful what thoughts you think and the feelings you feel, etc... Your behavior affects the planet and universe on an energetic level and that is how you can create a world you want.
On and on...
When I was converted and regenerated...saved by God's grace...when I finally surrendered all of me to Christ...what happened is almost indescribable but the best word I can use is "supernatural". Because, I have changed in ways I could not have done if I had tried. It's the power of God that changed me. I surrendered my beliefs to God asking Him to help me see His truth. He showed me how the gospel saves: I acknowledged my sins, repented towards God, and believed Jesus died on the cross, was buried and rose again the third day to fulfill the prophecies in the scriptures. That He took our place to be the perfect and final sacrifice.
I became a believer...because Christ healed my unbelief. Spiritually, my eyes were blinded and ears were deaf until I became born again in spirit. Over the course of my life, I didn't know that all of my efforts to be good and spiritual were all in vain. I didn't know I was in much torment until it lifted. I didn't know I was headed for hell. The view I had of myself my whole life was drastically different than what the Lord says I really am. Now, I have a desire and need for God's word. In humbleness, I now understand that His word is written by the Holy Spirit and it takes the Holy Spirit to read and understand it. Perhaps I may have been exposed to God's truth at times in my life but I did not have the eyes to see nor the ears to hear. Romans 11:8 "In whom the god of this world hath blinded the minds of them which believe not, lest the light of the glorious gospel of Christ, who is the image of God, should shine unto them." 2 Corinthians 4:4 Jesus spoke of this too, regarding the people who witnessed his miracles and they still did not believe: "He hath blinded their eyes, and hardened their heart; that they should not see with their eyes, nor understand with their heart, and be converted, and I should heal them." John 12:40 "Even the Spirit of truth; whom the world cannot receive, because it seeth him not, neither knoweth him:..." John 14:17
The Bible Cuts Me Up
"For the word of God is quick, and powerful, and sharper than any twoedged sword, piercing even to the dividing asunder of soul and spirit, and of the joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart." Hebrews 4:12
God's word explains everything and itself. It seems it may take me years of close study (and staying close to the Lord) to comprehend the depth of scripture! The Apostle Paul wrote to the early churches, "Study to shew thyself approved unto God, a workman that needeth not to be ashamed, rightly dividing the word of truth." 2 Timothy 2:15
"All scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness:" 2 Timothy 3:16
Now that I stand on God's word and make it my final authority...because of God's grace... I find myself sharing scripture often. Am I a "bible thumper" now? Yes, I am. I want everyone to hear God's truth and become a believer of His word and be converted. You can't do this without hearing the word of God.
"So then faith cometh by hearing, and hearing by the word of God." Romans 10:17 "For this cause also thank we God without ceasing, because, when ye received the word of God which ye heard of us, ye received it not as the word of men, but as it is in truth, the word of God, which effectually worketh also in you that believe." 1 Thessalonians 2:13
So, it is not my words that affect others, it is God's word!! Also, sharing my testimony is hardly an effort for me to gain esteem by others. (For it rather has the opposite effect!) I just want to point towards God's word continually.
I'm finding it's not that easy to urge others to read the Bible. Before the Lord saved me, I never liked hearing people quote scripture. I reasoned why waste my time on a book that's been adulterated throughout the ages ( that is why I stick with the King James Version 1611. It's the two-edged sword, or do you prefer a knife that can barely cut warm butter? Yes, Satan does have his approved versions of it. More on that subject later.)
But, God promised He would preserve His word: "The words of the LORD are pure words: as silver tried in a furnace of earth, purified seven times. Thou shalt keep them, O LORD, thou shalt preserve them from this generation for ever." Psalm 12:6-7
In Matthew 13, Jesus explained to His disciples why He spoke to the multitudes in parables and how He knew they would need to be converted first before they could hear and understand His teachings. The preaching of the gospel was often not well-received especially by the religious. Christ also didn't preach or do many miracles to the people from his home town because of their unbelief...for they saw him as no more than just the carpenter's son. Jesus said, "...A prophet is not without honour, save in his own country, and in his own house." Matt 13:57. As important as I think the gospel is and how deeply I want everyone to believe it, I don't expect my message of conversion to be well received...especially by my loved ones. I surely did not receive God's truth in a joyful manner at first. And, I did not want to hear about salvation from anyone who did a lot of bad things in their life...especially if they had hurt me personally.
I Was Alright...According to the World
All my life I naturally wanted to be good. It gave me a lot of joy to treat others kindly and honestly. I thought I was alright in God's eyes especially if I compared myself to most others. And, if I suffered at the hands of mean people, I knew that at least God (or "the universe") saw my suffering and I would often offer it as a sacrifice thinking it pleased God.
I dove further into learning methods to help me create better scenarios in my life. "Every way of a man is right in his own eyes: but the Lord pondereth the hearts." Prov 21:2 "But we are all as an unclean thing, and all our righteousnesses are as filthy rags;" Isaiah 64:6. "There is a way that seemeth right unto a man, but the end thereof are the ways of death." Prov 16:25. "For they being ignorant of God's righteousness, and going about to establish their own righteousness, have not submitted themselves unto the righteousness of God." Romans 10:3
Now that I read the Bible and believe it...I can see how my reasoning was just that...my own, and not God's truth.
I didn't know my good intentions and deeds were deserving of hell.
"To do justice and judgement is more acceptable to the Lord than sacrifice." Prov 21:3
"...,hath the Lord as great delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices as in obeying the voice of the Lord? Behold, to obey is better than sacrifice and to hearken than the fat of rams. For rebellion is as the sin of witchcraft and stubbornness is as iniquity and idolatry. Because thou hast rejected the word of the Lord he hath also rejected thee..." 1 Samuel 15:22-23
My life is not without challenges just like any other human being. I went through decades of trying to overcome my short-comings and trials by every way except Jesus. Well, I believed in a Jesus that was a role model who showed us what we're all capable of doing if we could master our minds and feelings. From my pre-teens onward I studied practically everything regarding natural health and also endless spiritual/metaphysical/open-minded teachings for the next 25 years. I believed I was doing good for myself and others. However, I came to the end of myself by 2013 when I knew I couldn't hide the blatant ill effects of some choices I made in life. Months later, I hesitantly started reading the Bible.
I now know that humbling oneself before God and obeying His word is more important than our most sincere intentions. So, you may read this and get uncomfortable or disagree. I urge you to go to scripture, and even read in context any Bible verses I share. (I could share many more verses here than I have, but I'm trying not to quote the whole Bible!) I will never tire of learning what the Bible has to say.
I continually need correcting as I am now a child of God and He is a perfect Father who will now chasten me so I can mature. I thank God for the humility and grace He's given me to accept His truth. I deeply care for all people who have a yearning to know God and are trying to seek what is true. And boy, Satan provides brilliant answers for all the seekers! He is the father of lies. He is the prince of this world and he is the deceiver. Since my eyes started opening to God's truth, I can see how deception dominates this world and it's getting worse by the day. The Bible warns this will happen in the last days. "For there shall arise false Christs, and false prophets, and shall shew great signs and wonders; insomuch that, if it were possible, they shall deceive the very elect." Matthew 24:24
I share my testimony in hopes it may encourage folks to search the scriptures. It is not because I'm trying to work my way to heaven or earn merit with God. Nor am I afraid that I will lose my salvation. I am still a faulty human and I continually fall short of God's righteousness. I need His mercy and grace.
"As it is written, There is none righteous, no, not one: There is none that understandeth, there is none that seeketh after God. They are all gone out of the way, they are together become unprofitable; there is none that doeth good, no, not one." Romans 3:10-12 Read that whole chapter...it cuts! Those verses really made me mad when I first read them.
I was lost for 39 years and never knew it. I am eternally grateful a born again believer had the boldness to offend me one day. My whole adult life, I found comfort in evil not knowing it was evil because what felt good and right was my own heart being deceived. "He that trusteth in his own heart is a fool: but whoso walketh wisely, he shall be delivered." Proverbs 28:26
Seeking God's truth can help you understand your condition and that you need a savior from your destiny... eternal damnation. There is only one life and one way to eternal life....Jesus Christ. No person or church can save you from hell. It's up to you to seek God.
There are many false gospels out there. Make sure you are trusting the one that saves!
Jesus talked a lot about hell. He also said a disturbing fact that many who profess they know Jesus will one day meet Him but He will reject them because they never were adopted/born again. Read Matthew 7.
"Strive to enter in at the strait gate: for many, I say unto you, will seek to enter in, and shall not be able." Luke 13:24
(Please skip down to the paragraph titled "My Conversion By God's Grace" to skip the next part about my life story.)
My School Years
I was born in 1975 in San Antonio, Texas and raised in a devout Catholic family. My parents worked hard to send their five kids to Catholic school for 13 years. They provided all that they could for us making sure we practiced our faith and did our best in school. I loved being with my family and felt very fortunate to be with good people. We prayed daily and often prayed the rosary together. I was blessed to have cousins, grandparents, uncles, aunts, and teachers who lived up to high morals and standards. My school life was not so great for me. I was very shy and often alone. I struggled to catch on with lessons and worked hard to get fair to low grades. Which was stressful since I didn't want extra attention. My teachers liked me for being well-behaved and I excelled in sports and art. However, I was always in fear that my peers would find out how dumb I thought I was. I got teased at times for being "so slow". I also had an odd view of not only my elders but even those younger than me as having a kind of authority over me.
I attended two Catholic high schools. The all-girl's school was very competitive. Though I was sometimes "lucky" on tests, I stressed a lot over my grades. My health suffered with frequent lethargy, migraines, and severe menstrual cramps. I tried to eat healthy and put myself on strict diets in hopes to make my health improve. I got overly skinny. I blamed our unhealthy planet and junk food society. That started my decades of interest in natural health and the healing of the planet.
The co-ed school I graduated from was more laid back and I was happy to relax a little bit. I was astonished to find out many students were dealing drugs, or had STD's. I met my first boyfriend, A.J.. We had a lot in common doing lots of projects together. I loved A.J. but knew we would be going to different universities. I also found his increasing partying and drinking less desirable. So we broke up by the time college started.
I was clueless and goal-less in college. It had been expected of me, of course, to get my degree. It didn't matter in what but just to get it. I begrudgingly took that advice and worked hard. I learned that I could do one of my favorite hobbies...art...and combine it with a school-teaching degree. Yes, I got my Teacher's Certificate even though I hated school, lol. But, I hoped I would learn to like teaching (which didn't happen, sadly.) My college years were a time of major shifts in my beliefs and values. I began to rebel against society and religion. What shook my foundational beliefs was from spending my first three years of college in an abusive relationship with a guy I met in Geology. I fell head over heels because he was handsome and he boosted my self esteem by complimenting me. He was outgoing, bringing me out of my shyness. But, he was unstable and tried to control every aspect of my life. I feared he would kill himself and take me with him. I coped through his abuse by lying to everyone so they wouldn't know how he manipulated and abused me. I was deeply ashamed and depressed because I had let him get away with defiling me...I had sinned the great sin...lost my virginity. I was now "damaged goods", no longer "lily white" like I wanted to be until marriage. I was so ashamed I couldn't tell my family. I finally told my mom and it made my parents cry. I was deeply crushed that I decided to just give up on my life. (Please, I know this sounds silly to many but I so badly wanted to please my family. Not meeting their standards for purity meant everything to me.) I thought I was being a "good martyr" by doing my best to help my abuser and be honest with him even though he never trusted me. I finally got the courage to leave him when some of my close friends did an intervention. Gratefully, I didn't become one of those statistics that would have made a tragic story for a prime time television show like "20/20".
Diving into the World of New Age Teachings
I was deeply depressed and my mom urged me to go to confession. (Now, this would have been a perfect moment for me to turn to the Lord, repent, believe the gospel, and be converted.) "The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit and a broken and contrite heart." Psalm 51:17
I went to a priest for Confession. He gently listened to me in the confessional and gave me some prayers to say for penance. I did what I was supposed to do but never believed that I was really forgiven. I really hated myself and wanted the pain to stop. I searched and I found comfort in a kind of trend at this time in the mid 90's...a fascination with angels. I read a number of books about angel miracles and even meditations to do with angels.
I used "angel cards" in an effort to communicate with them. I was inspired by many other books that gave me hope for making positive changes in my life. Like, how to believe in myself and the power within me to create health, wealth, and happiness,... I liked reading people's experiences with the after-life or the spirit world, extra sensory abilities, etc... I loved books about people who communicated with the spirit world to help them grow amazing gardens. I stopped going to Catholic Church, to my family's dismay. I reasoned that my religion had lead me to this self-hatred because I let others hurt me and it's not the path for me.
I joined a "Conversations With God" group (books written by way of "automatic writing" by Neale Donald Walsh) and that was my new "church". I loved it for I was with open-minded people. I embraced more of this new dogma, such as: Hell is not real; I was the creator of my life; my thoughts and feelings create my reality; I have the power to change my life by moving beyond my limiting beliefs; that no one is a victim of their circumstances; we are gods and create our reality whether consciously or unconsciously; our thoughts are what create circumstances in our lives. These "laws of the universe" made so much sense to me. I wanted to "raise my vibration" so I can attract only the positive things into my life. I saw this as the answer to improving my own health but also to help heal the planet. I learned that the planet is dying because of our negative behaviors, however, if we raise our vibration then it will help to not only heal our own lives but also heal the Earth! These teachings made so much sense and gave me much hope.
It seemed harmless. Much was being taught about God, Jesus, angels, the Saints, Mary (or her other names) Since I was learning deeper things about these familiar Christian deities, then I became comforted knowing I wasn't getting too "way out there". I was attracted to everyone that thought this way.
I went to these sources to help my spiritual growth and get answers for improving my life. I reasoned that religion can't do that. I heavily studied these teachings over the next 17 years.
Anyone who had an extra-sensory ability. I often sought guidance from only the good ones or "light workers". I even wondered if I had these abilities that I could learn to tap into. It gave me more reason to be a peaceful person and all-accepting of everyone. I learned about my energy field and boundaries and assertiveness that I need to establish (attractive to my "door mat" self.)
I felt a freedom to embrace humanity and all of it's unique ways of expressing our "oneness". I believed this was the answer to world peace....since we are all energetically connected, then if I improve on myself, then it helps others improve.
My last couple years of college, I was into the vegan and artist crowd and found myself going to punk concerts and dressing more creatively. I had a punk-artist boyfriend and we shared an on-going joke of mocking the devil since it was undeniable that his existence was only a fable. (Now I am certain this was much to Satan's pleasure!) We were vegan because that was good for our health, good for animals, and for the planet. This way of living, I observed in the crowd I hung around with, bred a growing anger and rebellion towards the rest of the world of "ignorant destroyers" and polluters. I didn't want to be angry. I sought out more spiritual ways to improve health and the planet. I got into fasting and cleansing. I did ones so extreme that I would practically live on just veggies for weeks. Sure, my body pains would subside but I was gaining new problems...the mental torment increased. My strong will power was being overcome by eating binges. Reading so many healthy lifestyle books had me spinning. I believed I had to be strict in order to succeed. I would lose weight and gain weight drastically. In desperation, I abruptly left that lifestyle as I found hope in another spiritual teaching that seemed more to the root of it....The Ishaya's Ascension. I was 23 yrs old and two days after receiving my college degree I abruptly packed my bags for North Carolina to practice being an Ishaya monk at The Society for Ascension. (The Ishayas taught "Ascension Attitudes" that you repeat in your mind, to describe it briefly. It was a branch-off of Transcendental Meditation.) I decided this would help me gain enlightenment (an enticing word that described what I thought was mastering true peace.) I learned you didn't have to believe in this method in order for it to work. You just have to do it; "the Ascendant" knows how to heal us by gently removing deep stresses we form throughout our lives. We weren't encouraged to believe the origin of this teaching which was evidently given to (or chanelled through) the founder by some monks in the Himalayas who apparently existed in another dimension (of course.) These teachings were rooted in Hinduism. For two years I immersed myself into this lifestyle of meditating, yoga, mostly vegetarianism, and long meetings of reflection with other "Ascenders". I graduated in August 2000.
I easily shed my need to keep up with society as I kept my routine of daily yoga stretches, practicing Ascension most hours of the day and night in my bunk, and attending nightly meetings of reflection. I thought I was in a good place since there were all types of people from around the world. I met an ex-nun and many professionals like doctors who left everything to practice Ascension. I experienced little miracles....instances like desiring new socks or something and it would appear later on my bed. This really encouraged me. However, by the end of my teacher's training I found myself depressed. I was a bit jaded over how the poorly run organization seemed to be imploding on itself. I didn't feel like I had overcome my insecurities and I eventually left thinking I should go back into the world to make a living. Loved ones may have warned me during these years that I was getting too "way out there" but I would ponder how closed-minded they were...for I was seeking deeper meaning to life than what society taught me. I was on to how the corporate giants really ruled the world and they were slowly poisoning our food, t.v., music, religion, etc... And, I wouldn't even label myself as being into "New Age"...that sounded too "airy-fairy"(lol). I, rather, called myself "open-minded" and learning things beyond this reality, etc... Funny...but the Sanskrit name I was given when I took vows was "Shanti" meaning "peace". I'm sure it was because I was sweet and kind. However, I did NOT have the true peace of God.
Now I'm....Free?
Trying to get back in the "real world" I got increasingly depressed and wanted my Ishaya boyfriend, Jon, back. So, in desperation I moved across the US to live with him in hopes we'd marry and we soon did. I didn't want to face any realization that my jaunt with becoming a monk and living with my boyfriend before marriage was wrong. Meanwhile, my eating disorder was still a major struggle. Jon and I didn't really have a plan but marriage seemed unquestionable since we loved each other. But, reality soon had to set in. He was not that motivated to start a career from going through a lot of heartache over caring for his mother during her illness and then, sadly, her death. 9-11 happened around this time and it jolted me into homesickness. I wanted to move back in Texas. I finally convinced him after a couple years to move to where my family is. So, we moved to San Antonio. We bought a fixer home and spent the next seven years improving it. I worked at a steady job and he worked and used his carpentry skills to beautify the place. We did our best. We got along really well but I would come to resent him for not finishing the house fast enough and also spending most summer months to fish in Alaska (which I wanted to support since I felt badly for taking him away from the NW.) We never started a family for it didn't seem right to me. Years went by and I desperately dove more into "self-help" books and teachings. I didn't think much of it as I felt it was becoming society's common knowledge to think positively, do affirmations, raise your vibration, exercise and eat healthy, etc... I prayed to God for answers as to why I was too afraid to start my family. Then, the notion that I should exit my marriage came to me. I laughed it off thinking why would I want to end my marriage with such a sweet man? But that thought tormented me over the next three years. I started having crushes on other men. I wondered if this a mid life crisis. Also, around this time, an old flame briefly popped back into my life...A.J., my high school sweetheart...through Facebook, then e-mail. Neither of us had any intention to fuel any old romance. But, to my fear, I couldn't stop thinking about him for the next couple years wondering what he was up to? I imagined a more ideal man in my mind and entertained "what if's". I knew I was being foolish. I was honest with Jon telling him what I was going through. And he insightfully warned me I could be believing false things. Meanwhile, Jon would leave for months at a time and I dove more heavily into my meditations and working with crystals, etc... I also tried to learn how to use a pendulum...albeit...in a "white light/good intentions" kind of way. I intended only "the good spirits" would consult with me. I also jumped from psychic to clairvoyant, to palm reader, to healer, etc... I frequented the New Age bookstore and bought many books and crystals over the years.
I also bought a lot of success programs online...always interested in the latest "techniques" for achieving success in life. Each method brought me hope and I would experience amazing results at times but it never lasted. Even though I saw that I had gone way further into New Age than I had intended I kept with it when I experienced little miracles.
Once, I experienced body pain and limped my way to one of the psychics and her "angels" healed me...the pain left instantly. Loved ones sweetly listened to my on-going griefs and they eventually started to agree with me that I should get a divorce. My dad from time-to-time kept asking me if I still pray to Jesus? I would chuckle and say I was fine, knowing how much time I devoted to prayer every day and how I worked at "raising my vibration" to attract good into my life and help others. I prayed to all the spiritual beings and ascended masters I was told about via New Age...the angels, enlightened teachers of the Hindus, my spirit guides, even Jesus (because he had mastered our human potential.) I continued to pray to Catholic deities like the Blessed Virgin Mary, Saints, ark angels, and prayed the rosary. It gave me a kind of comfort.
Gosh, with all this studying and devotion, I never learned about Satan's kingdom. Little did I know I was being tormented by his hosts and, no doubt... legions, because I had rolled out the red carpet for them to manipulate and torment me all the more.
Changes
I reached out to my old flame again in 2012. He agreed to meet with me in person. He shared how he had suffered kidney failure just 7 months prior. It was from a combination of heavy drinking for 20 years and having high blood pressure. He tried to apologize to me for not being up front with me in the previous emails that lead me to assume things about him that weren't true. But, would I have listened then? Because I still didn't even hear it. I was too preoccupied with thinking he was this amazing man I had dreamed about. At this time he was a baby Christian and started to talk to me about the Bible. And I happily shared with him all the New Age/metaphysical teachings I had studied. Also, notably, around this time I found on the internet some healthy lifestyle articles by an MD. But he was different...I was attracted to his writings about how being godly and mature was a major part of leading a healthy life. Initially, when I read these articles I would feel very nauseous and even dry-heaved. There was something about it that turned my stomach but I wanted to hear more. This talk of how a man should have Christ as the head of him and he be the head of his wife and family made sense to me deep down yet I had spent my whole life living ignorant of that biblical teaching!
God, Why Did You Do This To Me?!
I was miserable and confused not knowing how to get out of my problem. The desire to end my life got very strong so I quickly found a psychiatrist/counselor for me and Jon. After a few sessions I moved out of the house and in with my parents. I felt relief though I had severely broken Jon's heart. We had been married 10 years. I blamed God for not saving me from this dilemma and divorce. It was difficult but over the next several months we were able to maintain a cordial relationship. We sold our house and he moved back to the Northwest. I was relieved knowing Jon moved back to his home state. A.J. and I got closer in our friendship and he urged me to read the Bible. I didn't want to. I was liking my new routine of visiting him on my days off and bringing a bottle of red wine for myself to enjoy. He lived on 2 acres an hour drive south. I had always wanted to live out in the country as an escape from busy city life and perhaps create a homestead of my own someday. Another thing I happened to be experiencing during this time living at my parent's house, was unexplainable phenomenon involving some of my loved ones. Of course, I went to the only source I thought could help explain these things so I went to a psychic's. She suggested using certain crystals and doing meditations with Saint Germaine that keep you "protected in the light". Ironically, during my visits with A.J. he would show me some old sermons he found online. Some of them taught about spiritual warfare. I found them to be "buzz-killers". I didn't really want to hear these sermons because the pastor talked about sin...and how sin, unforgiveness, and unrepentance towards God gives the devil "legal ground" to torment you. I could hardly hear all of this. Especially hearing how a lot of New Age practices and even religious practices are abominations in God's eyes. I could only take it little by little. I didn't know what to make of these biblical teachings but I continued to listen since I started to question my actions regarding my divorce and deep spiritual studies. I started to consider that maybe I had let Satan guide me most of my adult life. Gasp!
Facing the Truth
I wasn't so certain about A.J. anymore. He was often cold towards me. I wanted him to love me and tell me I'm pretty but he was not the coddling type. My hopes came crashing down as I realized the fantasies I entertained for years weren't true...and how my spiritual life was likely lead by Satan. I could hardly believe this because I had only wanted good to come from all my spiritual studies and methods. I started to study more about "spiritual warfare". I read a little booklet that had many bible verses. It had the gospel and stressed it's major importance in getting saved. Even though I read the booklet several times, I didn't quite understand my need for salvation. But, what I did notice was my reaction to reading those scriptures and prayers. Again, I would get uneasy and repulsed. Yet, I was intrigued by some testimonies of folks being freed from strongholds that kept them in "bondage"....like, falling into deeper sin, addictions (like, the binge-eating disorder), mental illness, and physical illness.
I could not run anymore from knowing I had messed up my life. Thankfully, A.J. and I had started a habit of praying together. My way of praying began to change. If it's true that there could be false Gods, Jesus', and angels, then I wanted to make sure I prayed to the one true God. I made sure to pray to "the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob". I was so overwhelmed and dismayed that I desperately turned to God alone for help. I asked for forgiveness and especially for help with forgiving myself. I remember repenting and crying on my face. I began to feel lighter. Little did I understand that this was a major part of God's free gift of salvation...repenting towards God (instead of just being sorry toward other people...like how I was desperately sorry toward my family when I lost my virginity (not to God!) "For godly sorrow worketh repentance to salvation not to be repented of: but the sorrow of the world worketh death." 2 Corinthians 7:10
It took me another year of not hearing (or the ability to hear) that I needed salvation and become born again in spirit in order to be a true Christian. That, believing the gospel of grace and having a personal relationship with the Lord is necessary for one to be fully regenerated. To sincerely repent towards God and believe that Jesus came to die once for our sins and that anyone who believes in Him shall not die. "For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life." John 3:16
[It was later after my conversion that I realized an important part of spiritual warfare...when you get saved, you receive the Holy Spirit. The Lord is the only one who can defeat the enemy, not yourself! (Read Acts 19:13-14. It shows the kind of danger you put yourself in if you try to battle devils without the blood covering of Jesus Christ...very important!!)]
My Conversion by God's Grace
I had long ago concluded that the Bible was written by men as a way to control the people. Remember the Middle Ages, the Inquisition, and torture chambers? King James' Bible edition...seriously? He probably changed scripture to control the masses or accommodate his sins. Why should I believe it? I wondered. I was still angry and resentful towards A.J. and towards God. However, this pain is what helped me surrender fully to God for help. I now see it was necessary!! "The LORD is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit." Psalm 34:18
My concern caused me to pray to God, laying down all that I have done and believed before Him...asking God to please show me His truth. God answered me. He put more Christians in my path, even a coworker. Even though I felt uncomfortable at my coworker's concern for my divorce (at first thinking he's wasting his time as it was none of his business, however, I was intrigued by his concern.)
More literature came my way and I read and re-read it whilst looking up Bible verses. Then I found myself wanting to read the Bible. I was becoming more aware of sins in my life...and how I lived most of my life practicing abominations! I lived my life thinking I was supposed to follow my heart. No wonder why I was deceived and lead astray. Satan uses our hearts and minds to deceive us. "The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it? I the Lord search the heart." Jeremiah 17:9-10. We live only one life and after we die there is only heaven or hell. "And as it is appointed unto men once to die, but after this the judgment:" Hebrews 9:27
I began to recall all the New Age teachings that I studied. This has taken months for me to unwind! I still continue to recall more of what I whole-heartedly accepted over the course of my life. I know I could buy a house with all the money I spent on all of it.
I almost didn't want to read the Bible just because A.J. had urged me (that's my rebellion/pride.) Mainly, because I resented him thinking he would reject me unless I became this "Bible-quoting person". I hurt, so I prayed more. Still, waves of resentment towards A.J. continued to plague me. I recall a moment of being in such deep hurt it turned into rage. I threw things across the room screaming....I think I screamed about my hatred towards men in general. My struggle to forgive A.J. was hard. After all, he was the one who had been the great sinner...plus, I was having to "deal" with trying to accept his past. I struggled as to why he would reject me when I was the one who was so good my whole life and he was so bad?! These painful moments, however, brought me to my knees in prayer and repentance again. I noticed that awful anger and resentment lessened. What a relief! I didn't have a cloud of hurt and anger visiting me so often anymore. Still, little did I know that this repentance was part of the gospel of grace. From then onward, if I started to have waves of resentment and hurt, I would read spiritual warfare prayers commanding all of Satan's hosts that are tormenting me to leave in Jesus' name.* I felt nauseated a lot (like I did when I first started reading about godly men.) I often had to run to the bathroom. I cried a lot. Sometimes you don't know how much pain you have been in until it's gone. That is what it felt like. I began to change. I stopped laying all my hopes in A.J. and hoping he would do this or that to show me he actually loved me. I stopped resenting the fact that all my good works were nothing but filthy rags to the Lord. I now see that God needed me broken so badly so that I would finally give all of myself to Him. And, he has taken me, healed me, opened my eyes and ears to His truth. It was not the way I had wanted or hoped for, albeit, but I am grateful I didn't get my way!!
*Now that I have studied more scripture, I see how very important it is to not communicate with the evil spirits. Born again believers have the Holy Spirit. It is the Lord's battle, not yours. You are no match. Pray often! Even Ephesians 6, Psalm 91, Psalm 70,...and put on the whole armour of God every day. Ask the Lord for deliverance and protection from curses, etc... Pray! Seek the Lord's guidance.
Facing Sins
Not until now, in reading the Bible, do I see that much of what I was doing spiritually most of my life was serious sin. I didn't know that getting help from psychics, card and palm readers, astrologers, energy workers, etc...yes, even though I made sure to only consult the "good kind"... the "light-workers"! All of it is of the occult...sorcery. I now see I practiced many "abominations" that God warned his people many times. Abominations that brought curses on the people (innocent or not) for generations! "And no marvel; for Satan himself is transformed into an angel of light."
2 Corinthians 11:14. I also was committing adultery...in my heart...for Jesus said (in Matthew 5) that even desiring another is a sin. In reading the Old Testament, it is repeated over and over all of these abominations. The Book of Leviticus states very clearly God's laws and what happens if you keep them and what will happen if you don't. Deuteronomy gives many warnings to not learn the way of the heathen, or practice their abominations. Read chapters 8, 11,12,18, 27, and 29. God shares in much detail blessings and curses. "Take heed to yourselves, that your heart be not deceived, and ye turn aside, and serve other gods, and worship them;" Deut 11:6. "Ye shall walk after the Lord your God, and fear him, and keep his commandments, and obey his voice, and ye shall serve him, and cleave unto him." Deut 13:4. ", thou shalt not learn to do after the abominations of those nations. There shall not be found among you....that useth divination, or an observer of times, or an enchanter, or a witch, or a charmer, or a consulter with familiar spirits, or a wizard, or a necromancer. For all that do these things are an abomination unto the Lord: and because of these abominations the Lord thy God doth drive them out before thee." Deut 18:9-12. Also, my repetitious prayers (the rosary, affirmations, or the "ascension attitudes"...) "But when ye pray, use not vain repetitions, as the heathen do: for they think that they shall be heard for their much speaking." Matt 6:7. Also, how I prayed to many spirits, angels, and saints including Mary..."For there is one God, and one mediator between God and men, the man Christ Jesus." 1 Tim 2:5. Sigh...to name a few. I did some more repenting. You see, the Bible is not all warm and fuzzy. It's quite harsh because it convicts us of our sins. It shows us what we are and what God is. How it is natural for us to rebel against God ever since the fall of Adam and Eve.
Finding a Church
A.J. and I searched for a church. We started to visit the small town Catholic church since that's what was familiar and extra neat for it's a historic building. It warmed my heart knowing that I may be able to find comfort in the Catholic faith again and then join my family in their faith. However, after a few visits, A.J. felt all the more uncomfortable. He was questioning all the artwork, carvings, statues, writings, symbols, etc... The Catholic mass was contradicting scripture? I was a not sure and alarmed at the same time. So, we prayed for guidance to find a Bible-based church. By God's grace, he quickly found a little Bible church on the south side of town. I was not too thrilled, for it felt like culture shock every time I attended. Not to mention the harsh sermons. I would leave feeling sick and sad. I had moments of wanting the comfort of going to a Catholic mass where I can blend in and choose churches and mass times according to my convenience. A.J. felt that way too at times so we prayed. He searched the word. Which is what Jesus often said to do and also the Apostles when they preached. In the Book of Acts, the Berean's were noted: "These were more noble than those in Thessalonica, in that they received the word with all readiness of mind, and searched the scriptures daily, whether those things were so." Acts 17:11
My Knees Begin to Buckle
The pastor, deacon, and several church members shared with us the gospel, prayed with us, prayed for us, etc... They wanted us to be sure that we understood the gospel fully. They prayed we would be saved. A.J. soon made a "profession of faith". I felt a bit alienated as I didn't quite understand what more "hoops and loops" this group wanted me to do. I feared I was joining another cult. This was getting nauseating. I was not so sure about my sweetheart anymore or this church. Thankfully, I turned again to the Lord and His word. Finally, one quiet morning, I sat with the Bible open, looking up verses as I read some gospel tracts. I know we are all sinners and come short of the glory of God. I knew I had been repenting. I wondered if I was supposed to ask Jesus to come into my heart even though I thought that notion to be rather corny and tired. (I know, rebellious.) I made sure no one was looking and I simply did that. Tears started falling and I felt a release and a comfort come over me. I went through many a tissue. Since that day onward, I noticed changes starting in me. The old sins I used to struggle with weren't quite as fun or alluring anymore...like the wine. I wanted to read the Bible more and more. This once boring book became alive! I wanted to share this message with my loved ones...to go directly to Jesus. I loved talking about Jesus. I now see...it wasn't me doing this change to me. It was the Holy Spirit. (Read the Gospel books and what Jesus said about the Holy Spirit..."The Comforter", "The Spirit of Truth".) I didn't plan or even foresee this happening and now my knees just about buckle every day when I realize how much mercy the Lord has given me! All these years I didn't believe in hell and thought that as long as I'm good then God is happy with me. I didn't foresee how I would want to study scripture and pray with fellow believers on a regular basis. I didn't know I would become fascinated with researching religions, New Age doctrine, atheism, etc...to see the impact it has on our families, cultures, our world. I have a new found will to live. Not because my life got easier or less burdensome. I have a yearning and need to pray often for others to get saved and for protection and guidance. I want to serve the Lord in everything. I want to spread the gospel. I know I am still a sinner, and I still make bad choices. That is a concern for me because I know I will be judged by the Lord after I die and how sin breaks God's hedges of protection from the evil one. Thank God, I have hope and an assurance that I am with the Lord and I will be forever. "These things have I written unto you that believe on the name of the Son of God; that ye may know that ye have eternal life, and that ye may believe on the name of the Son of God." 1 John 5:13
Living According to the Word (not the world)
After I came to Christ, my relationship with A.J. changed. We found ourselves mostly talking about Jesus and scripture whenever we were together. Our pastor did some marriage and scripture counselling. Making sure we were saved, that we understood the gospel and what the Bible says regarding marriage. That was an eye-opener to me as I learned what it means to be "equally yoked". "Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?" 2 Corinthians 4:3-4 That scripture not only refers to marital union but also how believers should behave in this world. This scripture is a cause for much debate in our world today, referring to efforts to create "world peace" and acceptance of all people's faiths. This scripture makes true believers seem like jerks because they may be against this "world peace". They may be called terrorists for not falling for the world's cry for "humanism" (which is the opposite of what God says, if you study it.) I learned a term describing a movement that is uniting all religions across the world..."ecumenism" or the "emergent church". Millions of people in this world belong to ecumenical churches thinking they are safe. Just because someone claims to be a Christian doesn't mean they are in God's eyes. They are likely also deceived by false teachers. They may not have Godly pastors who watch their flocks very closely especially to make sure the congregants are hearing the gospel, taking heed, and getting saved!! Sadly, a lot of churches are more concerned about gaining members and money. "Beware lest any man spoil you through philosophy and vain deceit, after the tradition of men, after the rudiments of the world, and not after Christ." Colossians 2:8.
Again, we as natural man love for our spiritual leaders to comfort, console, and rock us back to sleep again. They tend to cater to how we naturally like to do good works in an effort to earn a good standing with God. Study any athlete...no pain, no gain, right? Naturally, we'll search for churches that allow us to feel good about ourselves. "For the time will come when they will not endure sound doctrine; but after their own lusts shall they heap to themselves teachers, having itching ears" 2 Tim 4:3 Also read 2 Cor 11:13-15 And take your pick, are you attracted to a church that has good sermons? good music? good friends? social gatherings? high-end lighting and sound system? or do you prefer the more mundane ritualistic types? Or...do you search for a church that stands only on the word of God? Be cautious, there is no perfect church, however, many beautiful churches can make you feel blessed. Remember, Satan uses our hearts to deceive us. Search the scriptures!
Satan is the supreme copycat. He's made a world of counterfeit versions of what God has created. He's not more powerful than God but he is more powerful than man...man who has not been born again in spirit. (Thank the Lord for his free gift of salvation!) Satan has many names..."the god of this world", "prince of the power of the air", "angel of light", "deceiver", "father of lies", etc... Observe Christian people's fruits and search the scriptures. Are they standing on the word or are they taking away from it or adding to it? Do they please the people or are they pleasing God? Are their good works the result of being born again or are they doing good works in vain (pleasing others, and themselves?) This ecumenical movement is the very thing the Bible warned us would happen in the end times (before Jesus' second coming.)
God constantly warned his children not to learn the ways of the heathen for they can be a snare and cause them to turn astray. "When thou art come into the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee, thou shalt not learn to do after the abominations of those nations." Deuteronomy 18:9 "The graven images of their gods shall ye burn with fire: thou shalt not desire the silver or gold that is on them, nor take it unto thee, lest thou be snared therein: for it is an abomination to the LORD thy God." Deuteronmy 7:25 Now I put my guard up no matter if someone is a dear friend, relative, church, or government, etc... I don't want to blindly follow along with any crowd especially in regards to tradition, mainstream cultures and holidays....no matter how tame things may seem. This is not a new law or rule that my little church made up...this is scriptural and believers likely want to stay as close to the Lord, completely obey his word, and not stray against his warnings and commandments. The apostle Paul wrote to the believers: "Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness? And what concord hath Christ with Belial? or what part hath he that believeth with an infidel? And what agreement hath the temple of God with idols? for ye are the temple of the living God; as God hath said, I will dwell in them, and walk in them; and I will be their God, and they shall be my people. Wherefore come out from among them, and be ye separate, saith the Lord, and touch not the unclean thing; and I will receive you, And will be a Father unto you, and ye shall be my sons and daughters, saith the Lord Almighty." 2 Corinthians 6:15-18 Reading the Bible now is like reading the daily news...eek! We are warned continually about the danger of adding to or taking away from God's word. The Apostle John wrote, "For I testify unto every man that heareth the words of the prophecy of this book, If any man shall add unto these things, God shall add unto him the plagues that are written in this book: And if any man shall take away from the words of the book of this prophecy, God shall take away his part out of the book of life, and out of the holy city, and from the things which are written in this book." Revelation 22:18-19
I also learned that the Bible is a history book. The New Testament and Old Testament are equally important to study and it's also important to know what part applies to us today. In the timeline of the Bible, we are in the "church age". It is the age before the tribulation and Jesus' 2nd coming. One third of the Bible is prophecy and it has been 100% accurate. There are still many that are yet to be fulfilled. We do not know the hour of His 2nd coming and are ordered to stay sober and vigilant.
Here is a video of a recent Emergent Church conference held Feb. 2016:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BLsH5DlBQy0
Blessings
Once A.J. and I had it reflected that we were ready to marry, we quickly got married at the nearest Atascosa County courthouse. It turned out to be beautiful and some of our family joined us. My sisters were a huge blessing by stepping in to help me put a dress together, made us a gorgeous cake, and took lovely pictures of the event. A.J. and I resided in Atascosa on the 2 acre property for over a year with 5 dogs and chickens in coops.
On November 20th, 2015 I donated my kidney to A.J. It was successful. We are recovering very well, by God's grace! We feel so grateful to family and our brethren who took care of us (we were very spoiled) and prayed so much for us. Words cannot express. The decision to donate, tests, and the surgery all happened within a few weeks. A.J. was about to start dialysis when we found out I was a match. We prayed for the Lord's will to be done. We pursued with the tests. It wasn't a difficult decision for me, by God's grace. "And whatsoever ye do, do it heartily, as to the Lord, and not unto men;" Colossians 3:23 So, I told A.J. that I wasn't doing it for him, lol. We praise the Lord!
In Conclusion
Bless you for reading thus far. I had a difficult time trying to word this testimony in hopes to catch the attention of "the old me". I think I failed. The old me probably would've "stoned" me already. I would be saying, "o.k., that's nice, sweetheart, you found peace and contentment." Or, I'd be thinking with much grief that I've become a bible thumper in an effort to fit in, impress, and have A.J. accept me...since I'm sure I'd be terrified to lose him that I'd even give him my kidney to keep him around. Eeek! Or,... I'd be disappointed that I utterly failed at being a good Catholic or mastering Ascension or any other metaphysical techniques I had studied...what a failure. Actually, I'd just be totally embarrassed for me. I would shiver seeing that I randomly threw in Bible verses thinking I am a bible scholar or something?....sigh. (Evidence I was under sorcery and major strong-holds and needed the Lord's deliverance and salvation!)
I believe nothing is impossible for the Lord. The apostle Paul, before his conversion, was being a good Pharisee by rounding up all the Christians to have them killed. After the supernatural conversion he had on his way to Damascus...when the Lord blinded him for three days, the scales fell from his eyes and he could then "see" God's truth. He understood with God's wisdom the revelation that Jesus is the Son of God who came to bear man's sins as an atonement...those sins are nailed to the cross and He died to save us from eternal hell. He was the final sacrifice. No more hundreds of laws to keep or sacrifices on the altars as an atonement for our daily sins. Paul then felt compelled to preach the gospel knowing that he would be persecuted for being a Christian...the people he used to persecute. That is a true believer's "great commission". (Read Mark 16:15 and the Epistles.)
To receive God's free gift of salvation that we cannot earn or work towards...is with great humility, to surrender all of yourself to God. Know you are a sinner (don't hold dear what the world may say about what kind of person you are...even if you're a sweetie pie), become aware of your sins, and repent. Believe the gospel...that God sent his only son to die on the tree as an atonement for all of our sins (past and future) and he only did this once...and that He rose again the 3rd day. Pray to God for a new heart, to be regenerated, to receive God's truth...and become a child of God. To be born again in spirit. Only God can give you the gift and the blessed assurance that we will always be with Him for eternity. That is true peace...God's peace. (Read 1 Corinthians 15:1-4)
"Wherefore he is able also to save them to the uttermost that come unto God by him, seeing he ever liveth to make intercession for them." Hebrews 7:25
Check yourself. Ask God to search you and guide you. Stay in His word. Do you have the fruits of salvation? Do you believe the gospel? Has the Lord given you a new heart? Are you eyes and ears open to His truth? Or, do you keep trying to achieve a good standing with God?
"And you hath he quickened, who were dead in trespasses and sins; Wherein in time past ye walked according to the course of this world, according to the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that now worketh in the children of disobedience: Among whom also we all had our conversation in times past in the lusts of our flesh, fulfilling the desires of the flesh and of the mind; and were by nature the children of wrath, even as others. But God, who is rich in mercy, for his great love wherewith he loved us, Even when we were dead in sins, hath quickened us together with Christ, (by grace ye are saved;) And hath raised us up together, and made us sit together in heavenly places in Christ Jesus:
That in the ages to come he might shew the exceeding riches of his grace in his kindness toward us through Christ Jesus. For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God: Not of works, lest any man should boast." Ephesians 2:1-9
How I Saw Myself...
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vs. How God Saw Me....
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Only by God's grace I became born again Christian the summer of 2014. Since then, I have been wanting to tell my loved ones...and anyone...what has happened to me. It seems every day I come to more understanding of what this entails. I actually started to write this testimony a year ago but hadn't posted it yet as I am continually being humbled by God's truth and the work He has been doing in my life. I see more what it means to truly be Christian and to believe and obey God's word, the Bible.
Wait!
Before you exit my story like the old me would have done especially after hearing "born again", I ask you to please hear me out... I know, because if I were a close relative or friend talking to the old me about being born again I would get embarrassed and want to find the nearest exit. You might be saying to me, "Who are you to tell me about Jesus?", or "Amanda, you haven't been Catholic for 20 years and then you were into everything New Age for the last 20 years, and now what?...you've become one of those crazy bible-thumpers judging the rest of us?!". Perhaps you're wondering if I joined another cult.
I didn't know scripture. I didn't know the Christ of the Bible.
"Ye do err, not knowing the scriptures, nor the power of God." Matt 22:29
"My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge..." Hosea 4:6
I was Bible ignorant. I never had read it before. Sure, I read some verses in the church missal and we studied some of it in Catholic school religion class. I didn't think it was important for me to read it on my own time. Plus, it was boring. I got the impression that only the Church knows what I need to learn from it. Now I know why I had that view. I had never approached the Bible as if it's really God's inerrant word. I didn't consider it important to believe it or to study it. I didn't know it has all the answers to life's questions about God, us, and the afterlife. I heard biblical terminology (Jesus Christ, the gospel, faith, salvation, resurrection, repentance, love, etc...) but I applied those terms by what I saw and heard in mass. I never understood the extreme importance in learning what God says in His word. I didn't know the Bible has many prophecies and warnings about false gospels, Jesus', apostles, signs and wonders, etc... I didn't know there is only one gospel of Jesus Christ and how it is the only way to salvation. I had no need to search this out. I thought I already was good in God's eyes for I wanted to be good to people plus I was raised in a good Catholic family and we received Sacraments. "But he (Jesus) answered and said unto them, Why do ye also transgress the commandment of God by your tradition?" Matthew 15:3 I never aspired to be a born again Christian or read the Bible.
I had observed those "Jesus people" as being not the smartest people I knew, or they were completely desperate to find a way out of their shame that perhaps preaching about Jesus was their way to feel better about themselves. I had chosen to believe things that made much more sense, like, how there are many paths to God; and how each soul is another experience lives many lives until soul-perfection is attained. Isn't God fair and loving? Doesn't he see my hurts and that everyone is really innocent deep down? 
Aren't humans at the mercy of the situations their born into? It's all about energy anyway so think good thoughts, raise your vibration, and treat others the way you want to be treated. This planet is dying and chaos is ensuing. The only way out is to realize that you're the creator of your life so be careful what thoughts you think and the feelings you feel, etc... Your behavior affects the planet and universe on an energetic level and that is how you can create a world you want. On and on...
When I was converted and regenerated...saved by God's grace...when I finally surrendered all of me to Christ...what happened is almost indescribable but the best word I can use is "supernatural". Because, I have changed in ways I could not have done if I had tried. It's the power of God that changed me. I surrendered my beliefs to God asking Him to help me see His truth. He showed me how the gospel saves: I acknowledged my sins, repented towards God, and believed Jesus died on the cross, was buried and rose again the third day to fulfill the prophecies in the scriptures. That He took our place to be the perfect and final sacrifice.
I became a believer...because Christ healed my unbelief. Spiritually, my eyes were blinded and ears were deaf until I became born again in spirit. Over the course of my life, I didn't know that all of my efforts to be good and spiritual were all in vain. I didn't know I was in much torment until it lifted. I didn't know I was headed for hell. The view I had of myself my whole life was drastically different than what the Lord says I really am. Now, I have a desire and need for God's word. In humbleness, I now understand that His word is written by the Holy Spirit and it takes the Holy Spirit to read and understand it. Perhaps I may have been exposed to God's truth at times in my life but I did not have the eyes to see nor the ears to hear. Romans 11:8 "In whom the god of this world hath blinded the minds of them which believe not, lest the light of the glorious gospel of Christ, who is the image of God, should shine unto them." 2 Corinthians 4:4 Jesus spoke of this too, regarding the people who witnessed his miracles and they still did not believe: "He hath blinded their eyes, and hardened their heart; that they should not see with their eyes, nor understand with their heart, and be converted, and I should heal them." John 12:40 "Even the Spirit of truth; whom the world cannot receive, because it seeth him not, neither knoweth him:..." John 14:17
The Bible Cuts Me Up
"For the word of God is quick, and powerful, and sharper than any twoedged sword, piercing even to the dividing asunder of soul and spirit, and of the joints and marrow, and is a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart." Hebrews 4:12
"All scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness:" 2 Timothy 3:16
Now that I stand on God's word and make it my final authority...because of God's grace... I find myself sharing scripture often. Am I a "bible thumper" now? Yes, I am. I want everyone to hear God's truth and become a believer of His word and be converted. You can't do this without hearing the word of God.
"So then faith cometh by hearing, and hearing by the word of God." Romans 10:17 "For this cause also thank we God without ceasing, because, when ye received the word of God which ye heard of us, ye received it not as the word of men, but as it is in truth, the word of God, which effectually worketh also in you that believe." 1 Thessalonians 2:13
So, it is not my words that affect others, it is God's word!! Also, sharing my testimony is hardly an effort for me to gain esteem by others. (For it rather has the opposite effect!) I just want to point towards God's word continually.
In Matthew 13, Jesus explained to His disciples why He spoke to the multitudes in parables and how He knew they would need to be converted first before they could hear and understand His teachings. The preaching of the gospel was often not well-received especially by the religious. Christ also didn't preach or do many miracles to the people from his home town because of their unbelief...for they saw him as no more than just the carpenter's son. Jesus said, "...A prophet is not without honour, save in his own country, and in his own house." Matt 13:57. As important as I think the gospel is and how deeply I want everyone to believe it, I don't expect my message of conversion to be well received...especially by my loved ones. I surely did not receive God's truth in a joyful manner at first. And, I did not want to hear about salvation from anyone who did a lot of bad things in their life...especially if they had hurt me personally.
I Was Alright...According to the World
All my life I naturally wanted to be good. It gave me a lot of joy to treat others kindly and honestly. I thought I was alright in God's eyes especially if I compared myself to most others. And, if I suffered at the hands of mean people, I knew that at least God (or "the universe") saw my suffering and I would often offer it as a sacrifice thinking it pleased God.
"To do justice and judgement is more acceptable to the Lord than sacrifice." Prov 21:3
"...,hath the Lord as great delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices as in obeying the voice of the Lord? Behold, to obey is better than sacrifice and to hearken than the fat of rams. For rebellion is as the sin of witchcraft and stubbornness is as iniquity and idolatry. Because thou hast rejected the word of the Lord he hath also rejected thee..." 1 Samuel 15:22-23
My life is not without challenges just like any other human being. I went through decades of trying to overcome my short-comings and trials by every way except Jesus. Well, I believed in a Jesus that was a role model who showed us what we're all capable of doing if we could master our minds and feelings. From my pre-teens onward I studied practically everything regarding natural health and also endless spiritual/metaphysical/open-minded teachings for the next 25 years. I believed I was doing good for myself and others. However, I came to the end of myself by 2013 when I knew I couldn't hide the blatant ill effects of some choices I made in life. Months later, I hesitantly started reading the Bible.
I now know that humbling oneself before God and obeying His word is more important than our most sincere intentions. So, you may read this and get uncomfortable or disagree. I urge you to go to scripture, and even read in context any Bible verses I share. (I could share many more verses here than I have, but I'm trying not to quote the whole Bible!) I will never tire of learning what the Bible has to say.
"As it is written, There is none righteous, no, not one: There is none that understandeth, there is none that seeketh after God. They are all gone out of the way, they are together become unprofitable; there is none that doeth good, no, not one." Romans 3:10-12 Read that whole chapter...it cuts! Those verses really made me mad when I first read them.
I was lost for 39 years and never knew it. I am eternally grateful a born again believer had the boldness to offend me one day. My whole adult life, I found comfort in evil not knowing it was evil because what felt good and right was my own heart being deceived. "He that trusteth in his own heart is a fool: but whoso walketh wisely, he shall be delivered." Proverbs 28:26
Seeking God's truth can help you understand your condition and that you need a savior from your destiny... eternal damnation. There is only one life and one way to eternal life....Jesus Christ. No person or church can save you from hell. It's up to you to seek God.
There are many false gospels out there. Make sure you are trusting the one that saves!
Jesus talked a lot about hell. He also said a disturbing fact that many who profess they know Jesus will one day meet Him but He will reject them because they never were adopted/born again. Read Matthew 7.
"Strive to enter in at the strait gate: for many, I say unto you, will seek to enter in, and shall not be able." Luke 13:24
"Enter ye in at the strait gate: for wide is the gate, and broad is the way, that leadeth to destruction, and many there be which go in thereat: Because strait is the gate, and narrow is the way, which leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it." Matthew 7:13-14
My School Years
I was born in 1975 in San Antonio, Texas and raised in a devout Catholic family. My parents worked hard to send their five kids to Catholic school for 13 years. They provided all that they could for us making sure we practiced our faith and did our best in school. I loved being with my family and felt very fortunate to be with good people. We prayed daily and often prayed the rosary together. I was blessed to have cousins, grandparents, uncles, aunts, and teachers who lived up to high morals and standards. My school life was not so great for me. I was very shy and often alone. I struggled to catch on with lessons and worked hard to get fair to low grades. Which was stressful since I didn't want extra attention. My teachers liked me for being well-behaved and I excelled in sports and art. However, I was always in fear that my peers would find out how dumb I thought I was. I got teased at times for being "so slow". I also had an odd view of not only my elders but even those younger than me as having a kind of authority over me.
I attended two Catholic high schools. The all-girl's school was very competitive. Though I was sometimes "lucky" on tests, I stressed a lot over my grades. My health suffered with frequent lethargy, migraines, and severe menstrual cramps. I tried to eat healthy and put myself on strict diets in hopes to make my health improve. I got overly skinny. I blamed our unhealthy planet and junk food society. That started my decades of interest in natural health and the healing of the planet.
The co-ed school I graduated from was more laid back and I was happy to relax a little bit. I was astonished to find out many students were dealing drugs, or had STD's. I met my first boyfriend, A.J.. We had a lot in common doing lots of projects together. I loved A.J. but knew we would be going to different universities. I also found his increasing partying and drinking less desirable. So we broke up by the time college started.
I was clueless and goal-less in college. It had been expected of me, of course, to get my degree. It didn't matter in what but just to get it. I begrudgingly took that advice and worked hard. I learned that I could do one of my favorite hobbies...art...and combine it with a school-teaching degree. Yes, I got my Teacher's Certificate even though I hated school, lol. But, I hoped I would learn to like teaching (which didn't happen, sadly.) My college years were a time of major shifts in my beliefs and values. I began to rebel against society and religion. What shook my foundational beliefs was from spending my first three years of college in an abusive relationship with a guy I met in Geology. I fell head over heels because he was handsome and he boosted my self esteem by complimenting me. He was outgoing, bringing me out of my shyness. But, he was unstable and tried to control every aspect of my life. I feared he would kill himself and take me with him. I coped through his abuse by lying to everyone so they wouldn't know how he manipulated and abused me. I was deeply ashamed and depressed because I had let him get away with defiling me...I had sinned the great sin...lost my virginity. I was now "damaged goods", no longer "lily white" like I wanted to be until marriage. I was so ashamed I couldn't tell my family. I finally told my mom and it made my parents cry. I was deeply crushed that I decided to just give up on my life. (Please, I know this sounds silly to many but I so badly wanted to please my family. Not meeting their standards for purity meant everything to me.) I thought I was being a "good martyr" by doing my best to help my abuser and be honest with him even though he never trusted me. I finally got the courage to leave him when some of my close friends did an intervention. Gratefully, I didn't become one of those statistics that would have made a tragic story for a prime time television show like "20/20".
Diving into the World of New Age Teachings
I was deeply depressed and my mom urged me to go to confession. (Now, this would have been a perfect moment for me to turn to the Lord, repent, believe the gospel, and be converted.) "The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit and a broken and contrite heart." Psalm 51:17
I went to a priest for Confession. He gently listened to me in the confessional and gave me some prayers to say for penance. I did what I was supposed to do but never believed that I was really forgiven. I really hated myself and wanted the pain to stop. I searched and I found comfort in a kind of trend at this time in the mid 90's...a fascination with angels. I read a number of books about angel miracles and even meditations to do with angels.
I used "angel cards" in an effort to communicate with them. I was inspired by many other books that gave me hope for making positive changes in my life. Like, how to believe in myself and the power within me to create health, wealth, and happiness,... I liked reading people's experiences with the after-life or the spirit world, extra sensory abilities, etc... I loved books about people who communicated with the spirit world to help them grow amazing gardens. I stopped going to Catholic Church, to my family's dismay. I reasoned that my religion had lead me to this self-hatred because I let others hurt me and it's not the path for me.
I joined a "Conversations With God" group (books written by way of "automatic writing" by Neale Donald Walsh) and that was my new "church". I loved it for I was with open-minded people. I embraced more of this new dogma, such as: Hell is not real; I was the creator of my life; my thoughts and feelings create my reality; I have the power to change my life by moving beyond my limiting beliefs; that no one is a victim of their circumstances; we are gods and create our reality whether consciously or unconsciously; our thoughts are what create circumstances in our lives. These "laws of the universe" made so much sense to me. I wanted to "raise my vibration" so I can attract only the positive things into my life. I saw this as the answer to improving my own health but also to help heal the planet. I learned that the planet is dying because of our negative behaviors, however, if we raise our vibration then it will help to not only heal our own lives but also heal the Earth! These teachings made so much sense and gave me much hope.
It seemed harmless. Much was being taught about God, Jesus, angels, the Saints, Mary (or her other names) Since I was learning deeper things about these familiar Christian deities, then I became comforted knowing I wasn't getting too "way out there". I was attracted to everyone that thought this way.
I went to these sources to help my spiritual growth and get answers for improving my life. I reasoned that religion can't do that. I heavily studied these teachings over the next 17 years.
I studied whatever I could: teachings from channelers, automatic writers/artists, clairvoyants, psychics, writings from people who have met "the more advanced peoples" from other planets, etc...
Anyone who had an extra-sensory ability. I often sought guidance from only the good ones or "light workers". I even wondered if I had these abilities that I could learn to tap into. It gave me more reason to be a peaceful person and all-accepting of everyone. I learned about my energy field and boundaries and assertiveness that I need to establish (attractive to my "door mat" self.)I felt a freedom to embrace humanity and all of it's unique ways of expressing our "oneness". I believed this was the answer to world peace....since we are all energetically connected, then if I improve on myself, then it helps others improve.
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I loved the blue ridge mountains and the gorgeous seasons. Dogwood trees were everywhere.
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Now I'm....Free?
Trying to get back in the "real world" I got increasingly depressed and wanted my Ishaya boyfriend, Jon, back. So, in desperation I moved across the US to live with him in hopes we'd marry and we soon did. I didn't want to face any realization that my jaunt with becoming a monk and living with my boyfriend before marriage was wrong. Meanwhile, my eating disorder was still a major struggle. Jon and I didn't really have a plan but marriage seemed unquestionable since we loved each other. But, reality soon had to set in. He was not that motivated to start a career from going through a lot of heartache over caring for his mother during her illness and then, sadly, her death. 9-11 happened around this time and it jolted me into homesickness. I wanted to move back in Texas. I finally convinced him after a couple years to move to where my family is. So, we moved to San Antonio. We bought a fixer home and spent the next seven years improving it. I worked at a steady job and he worked and used his carpentry skills to beautify the place. We did our best. We got along really well but I would come to resent him for not finishing the house fast enough and also spending most summer months to fish in Alaska (which I wanted to support since I felt badly for taking him away from the NW.) We never started a family for it didn't seem right to me. Years went by and I desperately dove more into "self-help" books and teachings. I didn't think much of it as I felt it was becoming society's common knowledge to think positively, do affirmations, raise your vibration, exercise and eat healthy, etc... I prayed to God for answers as to why I was too afraid to start my family. Then, the notion that I should exit my marriage came to me. I laughed it off thinking why would I want to end my marriage with such a sweet man? But that thought tormented me over the next three years. I started having crushes on other men. I wondered if this a mid life crisis. Also, around this time, an old flame briefly popped back into my life...A.J., my high school sweetheart...through Facebook, then e-mail. Neither of us had any intention to fuel any old romance. But, to my fear, I couldn't stop thinking about him for the next couple years wondering what he was up to? I imagined a more ideal man in my mind and entertained "what if's". I knew I was being foolish. I was honest with Jon telling him what I was going through. And he insightfully warned me I could be believing false things. Meanwhile, Jon would leave for months at a time and I dove more heavily into my meditations and working with crystals, etc... I also tried to learn how to use a pendulum...albeit...in a "white light/good intentions" kind of way. I intended only "the good spirits" would consult with me. I also jumped from psychic to clairvoyant, to palm reader, to healer, etc... I frequented the New Age bookstore and bought many books and crystals over the years.
Gosh, with all this studying and devotion, I never learned about Satan's kingdom. Little did I know I was being tormented by his hosts and, no doubt... legions, because I had rolled out the red carpet for them to manipulate and torment me all the more.
I reached out to my old flame again in 2012. He agreed to meet with me in person. He shared how he had suffered kidney failure just 7 months prior. It was from a combination of heavy drinking for 20 years and having high blood pressure. He tried to apologize to me for not being up front with me in the previous emails that lead me to assume things about him that weren't true. But, would I have listened then? Because I still didn't even hear it. I was too preoccupied with thinking he was this amazing man I had dreamed about. At this time he was a baby Christian and started to talk to me about the Bible. And I happily shared with him all the New Age/metaphysical teachings I had studied. Also, notably, around this time I found on the internet some healthy lifestyle articles by an MD. But he was different...I was attracted to his writings about how being godly and mature was a major part of leading a healthy life. Initially, when I read these articles I would feel very nauseous and even dry-heaved. There was something about it that turned my stomach but I wanted to hear more. This talk of how a man should have Christ as the head of him and he be the head of his wife and family made sense to me deep down yet I had spent my whole life living ignorant of that biblical teaching!
God, Why Did You Do This To Me?!
I was miserable and confused not knowing how to get out of my problem. The desire to end my life got very strong so I quickly found a psychiatrist/counselor for me and Jon. After a few sessions I moved out of the house and in with my parents. I felt relief though I had severely broken Jon's heart. We had been married 10 years. I blamed God for not saving me from this dilemma and divorce. It was difficult but over the next several months we were able to maintain a cordial relationship. We sold our house and he moved back to the Northwest. I was relieved knowing Jon moved back to his home state. A.J. and I got closer in our friendship and he urged me to read the Bible. I didn't want to. I was liking my new routine of visiting him on my days off and bringing a bottle of red wine for myself to enjoy. He lived on 2 acres an hour drive south. I had always wanted to live out in the country as an escape from busy city life and perhaps create a homestead of my own someday. Another thing I happened to be experiencing during this time living at my parent's house, was unexplainable phenomenon involving some of my loved ones. Of course, I went to the only source I thought could help explain these things so I went to a psychic's. She suggested using certain crystals and doing meditations with Saint Germaine that keep you "protected in the light". Ironically, during my visits with A.J. he would show me some old sermons he found online. Some of them taught about spiritual warfare. I found them to be "buzz-killers". I didn't really want to hear these sermons because the pastor talked about sin...and how sin, unforgiveness, and unrepentance towards God gives the devil "legal ground" to torment you. I could hardly hear all of this. Especially hearing how a lot of New Age practices and even religious practices are abominations in God's eyes. I could only take it little by little. I didn't know what to make of these biblical teachings but I continued to listen since I started to question my actions regarding my divorce and deep spiritual studies. I started to consider that maybe I had let Satan guide me most of my adult life. Gasp!
Facing the Truth
I wasn't so certain about A.J. anymore. He was often cold towards me. I wanted him to love me and tell me I'm pretty but he was not the coddling type. My hopes came crashing down as I realized the fantasies I entertained for years weren't true...and how my spiritual life was likely lead by Satan. I could hardly believe this because I had only wanted good to come from all my spiritual studies and methods. I started to study more about "spiritual warfare". I read a little booklet that had many bible verses. It had the gospel and stressed it's major importance in getting saved. Even though I read the booklet several times, I didn't quite understand my need for salvation. But, what I did notice was my reaction to reading those scriptures and prayers. Again, I would get uneasy and repulsed. Yet, I was intrigued by some testimonies of folks being freed from strongholds that kept them in "bondage"....like, falling into deeper sin, addictions (like, the binge-eating disorder), mental illness, and physical illness.
I could not run anymore from knowing I had messed up my life. Thankfully, A.J. and I had started a habit of praying together. My way of praying began to change. If it's true that there could be false Gods, Jesus', and angels, then I wanted to make sure I prayed to the one true God. I made sure to pray to "the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob". I was so overwhelmed and dismayed that I desperately turned to God alone for help. I asked for forgiveness and especially for help with forgiving myself. I remember repenting and crying on my face. I began to feel lighter. Little did I understand that this was a major part of God's free gift of salvation...repenting towards God (instead of just being sorry toward other people...like how I was desperately sorry toward my family when I lost my virginity (not to God!) "For godly sorrow worketh repentance to salvation not to be repented of: but the sorrow of the world worketh death." 2 Corinthians 7:10
It took me another year of not hearing (or the ability to hear) that I needed salvation and become born again in spirit in order to be a true Christian. That, believing the gospel of grace and having a personal relationship with the Lord is necessary for one to be fully regenerated. To sincerely repent towards God and believe that Jesus came to die once for our sins and that anyone who believes in Him shall not die. "For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life." John 3:16
[It was later after my conversion that I realized an important part of spiritual warfare...when you get saved, you receive the Holy Spirit. The Lord is the only one who can defeat the enemy, not yourself! (Read Acts 19:13-14. It shows the kind of danger you put yourself in if you try to battle devils without the blood covering of Jesus Christ...very important!!)]
My Conversion by God's Grace
I had long ago concluded that the Bible was written by men as a way to control the people. Remember the Middle Ages, the Inquisition, and torture chambers? King James' Bible edition...seriously? He probably changed scripture to control the masses or accommodate his sins. Why should I believe it? I wondered. I was still angry and resentful towards A.J. and towards God. However, this pain is what helped me surrender fully to God for help. I now see it was necessary!! "The LORD is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit." Psalm 34:18
My concern caused me to pray to God, laying down all that I have done and believed before Him...asking God to please show me His truth. God answered me. He put more Christians in my path, even a coworker. Even though I felt uncomfortable at my coworker's concern for my divorce (at first thinking he's wasting his time as it was none of his business, however, I was intrigued by his concern.)
More literature came my way and I read and re-read it whilst looking up Bible verses. Then I found myself wanting to read the Bible. I was becoming more aware of sins in my life...and how I lived most of my life practicing abominations! I lived my life thinking I was supposed to follow my heart. No wonder why I was deceived and lead astray. Satan uses our hearts and minds to deceive us. "The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it? I the Lord search the heart." Jeremiah 17:9-10. We live only one life and after we die there is only heaven or hell. "And as it is appointed unto men once to die, but after this the judgment:" Hebrews 9:27
I began to recall all the New Age teachings that I studied. This has taken months for me to unwind! I still continue to recall more of what I whole-heartedly accepted over the course of my life. I know I could buy a house with all the money I spent on all of it.
I almost didn't want to read the Bible just because A.J. had urged me (that's my rebellion/pride.) Mainly, because I resented him thinking he would reject me unless I became this "Bible-quoting person". I hurt, so I prayed more. Still, waves of resentment towards A.J. continued to plague me. I recall a moment of being in such deep hurt it turned into rage. I threw things across the room screaming....I think I screamed about my hatred towards men in general. My struggle to forgive A.J. was hard. After all, he was the one who had been the great sinner...plus, I was having to "deal" with trying to accept his past. I struggled as to why he would reject me when I was the one who was so good my whole life and he was so bad?! These painful moments, however, brought me to my knees in prayer and repentance again. I noticed that awful anger and resentment lessened. What a relief! I didn't have a cloud of hurt and anger visiting me so often anymore. Still, little did I know that this repentance was part of the gospel of grace. From then onward, if I started to have waves of resentment and hurt, I would read spiritual warfare prayers commanding all of Satan's hosts that are tormenting me to leave in Jesus' name.* I felt nauseated a lot (like I did when I first started reading about godly men.) I often had to run to the bathroom. I cried a lot. Sometimes you don't know how much pain you have been in until it's gone. That is what it felt like. I began to change. I stopped laying all my hopes in A.J. and hoping he would do this or that to show me he actually loved me. I stopped resenting the fact that all my good works were nothing but filthy rags to the Lord. I now see that God needed me broken so badly so that I would finally give all of myself to Him. And, he has taken me, healed me, opened my eyes and ears to His truth. It was not the way I had wanted or hoped for, albeit, but I am grateful I didn't get my way!!
*Now that I have studied more scripture, I see how very important it is to not communicate with the evil spirits. Born again believers have the Holy Spirit. It is the Lord's battle, not yours. You are no match. Pray often! Even Ephesians 6, Psalm 91, Psalm 70,...and put on the whole armour of God every day. Ask the Lord for deliverance and protection from curses, etc... Pray! Seek the Lord's guidance.
Facing Sins
Not until now, in reading the Bible, do I see that much of what I was doing spiritually most of my life was serious sin. I didn't know that getting help from psychics, card and palm readers, astrologers, energy workers, etc...yes, even though I made sure to only consult the "good kind"... the "light-workers"! All of it is of the occult...sorcery. I now see I practiced many "abominations" that God warned his people many times. Abominations that brought curses on the people (innocent or not) for generations! "And no marvel; for Satan himself is transformed into an angel of light."
2 Corinthians 11:14. I also was committing adultery...in my heart...for Jesus said (in Matthew 5) that even desiring another is a sin. In reading the Old Testament, it is repeated over and over all of these abominations. The Book of Leviticus states very clearly God's laws and what happens if you keep them and what will happen if you don't. Deuteronomy gives many warnings to not learn the way of the heathen, or practice their abominations. Read chapters 8, 11,12,18, 27, and 29. God shares in much detail blessings and curses. "Take heed to yourselves, that your heart be not deceived, and ye turn aside, and serve other gods, and worship them;" Deut 11:6. "Ye shall walk after the Lord your God, and fear him, and keep his commandments, and obey his voice, and ye shall serve him, and cleave unto him." Deut 13:4. ", thou shalt not learn to do after the abominations of those nations. There shall not be found among you....that useth divination, or an observer of times, or an enchanter, or a witch, or a charmer, or a consulter with familiar spirits, or a wizard, or a necromancer. For all that do these things are an abomination unto the Lord: and because of these abominations the Lord thy God doth drive them out before thee." Deut 18:9-12. Also, my repetitious prayers (the rosary, affirmations, or the "ascension attitudes"...) "But when ye pray, use not vain repetitions, as the heathen do: for they think that they shall be heard for their much speaking." Matt 6:7. Also, how I prayed to many spirits, angels, and saints including Mary..."For there is one God, and one mediator between God and men, the man Christ Jesus." 1 Tim 2:5. Sigh...to name a few. I did some more repenting. You see, the Bible is not all warm and fuzzy. It's quite harsh because it convicts us of our sins. It shows us what we are and what God is. How it is natural for us to rebel against God ever since the fall of Adam and Eve.
Finding a Church
A.J. and I searched for a church. We started to visit the small town Catholic church since that's what was familiar and extra neat for it's a historic building. It warmed my heart knowing that I may be able to find comfort in the Catholic faith again and then join my family in their faith. However, after a few visits, A.J. felt all the more uncomfortable. He was questioning all the artwork, carvings, statues, writings, symbols, etc... The Catholic mass was contradicting scripture? I was a not sure and alarmed at the same time. So, we prayed for guidance to find a Bible-based church. By God's grace, he quickly found a little Bible church on the south side of town. I was not too thrilled, for it felt like culture shock every time I attended. Not to mention the harsh sermons. I would leave feeling sick and sad. I had moments of wanting the comfort of going to a Catholic mass where I can blend in and choose churches and mass times according to my convenience. A.J. felt that way too at times so we prayed. He searched the word. Which is what Jesus often said to do and also the Apostles when they preached. In the Book of Acts, the Berean's were noted: "These were more noble than those in Thessalonica, in that they received the word with all readiness of mind, and searched the scriptures daily, whether those things were so." Acts 17:11
My Knees Begin to Buckle
The pastor, deacon, and several church members shared with us the gospel, prayed with us, prayed for us, etc... They wanted us to be sure that we understood the gospel fully. They prayed we would be saved. A.J. soon made a "profession of faith". I felt a bit alienated as I didn't quite understand what more "hoops and loops" this group wanted me to do. I feared I was joining another cult. This was getting nauseating. I was not so sure about my sweetheart anymore or this church. Thankfully, I turned again to the Lord and His word. Finally, one quiet morning, I sat with the Bible open, looking up verses as I read some gospel tracts. I know we are all sinners and come short of the glory of God. I knew I had been repenting. I wondered if I was supposed to ask Jesus to come into my heart even though I thought that notion to be rather corny and tired. (I know, rebellious.) I made sure no one was looking and I simply did that. Tears started falling and I felt a release and a comfort come over me. I went through many a tissue. Since that day onward, I noticed changes starting in me. The old sins I used to struggle with weren't quite as fun or alluring anymore...like the wine. I wanted to read the Bible more and more. This once boring book became alive! I wanted to share this message with my loved ones...to go directly to Jesus. I loved talking about Jesus. I now see...it wasn't me doing this change to me. It was the Holy Spirit. (Read the Gospel books and what Jesus said about the Holy Spirit..."The Comforter", "The Spirit of Truth".) I didn't plan or even foresee this happening and now my knees just about buckle every day when I realize how much mercy the Lord has given me! All these years I didn't believe in hell and thought that as long as I'm good then God is happy with me. I didn't foresee how I would want to study scripture and pray with fellow believers on a regular basis. I didn't know I would become fascinated with researching religions, New Age doctrine, atheism, etc...to see the impact it has on our families, cultures, our world. I have a new found will to live. Not because my life got easier or less burdensome. I have a yearning and need to pray often for others to get saved and for protection and guidance. I want to serve the Lord in everything. I want to spread the gospel. I know I am still a sinner, and I still make bad choices. That is a concern for me because I know I will be judged by the Lord after I die and how sin breaks God's hedges of protection from the evil one. Thank God, I have hope and an assurance that I am with the Lord and I will be forever. "These things have I written unto you that believe on the name of the Son of God; that ye may know that ye have eternal life, and that ye may believe on the name of the Son of God." 1 John 5:13
Living According to the Word (not the world)
After I came to Christ, my relationship with A.J. changed. We found ourselves mostly talking about Jesus and scripture whenever we were together. Our pastor did some marriage and scripture counselling. Making sure we were saved, that we understood the gospel and what the Bible says regarding marriage. That was an eye-opener to me as I learned what it means to be "equally yoked". "Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?" 2 Corinthians 4:3-4 That scripture not only refers to marital union but also how believers should behave in this world. This scripture is a cause for much debate in our world today, referring to efforts to create "world peace" and acceptance of all people's faiths. This scripture makes true believers seem like jerks because they may be against this "world peace". They may be called terrorists for not falling for the world's cry for "humanism" (which is the opposite of what God says, if you study it.) I learned a term describing a movement that is uniting all religions across the world..."ecumenism" or the "emergent church". Millions of people in this world belong to ecumenical churches thinking they are safe. Just because someone claims to be a Christian doesn't mean they are in God's eyes. They are likely also deceived by false teachers. They may not have Godly pastors who watch their flocks very closely especially to make sure the congregants are hearing the gospel, taking heed, and getting saved!! Sadly, a lot of churches are more concerned about gaining members and money. "Beware lest any man spoil you through philosophy and vain deceit, after the tradition of men, after the rudiments of the world, and not after Christ." Colossians 2:8.
Again, we as natural man love for our spiritual leaders to comfort, console, and rock us back to sleep again. They tend to cater to how we naturally like to do good works in an effort to earn a good standing with God. Study any athlete...no pain, no gain, right? Naturally, we'll search for churches that allow us to feel good about ourselves. "For the time will come when they will not endure sound doctrine; but after their own lusts shall they heap to themselves teachers, having itching ears" 2 Tim 4:3 Also read 2 Cor 11:13-15 And take your pick, are you attracted to a church that has good sermons? good music? good friends? social gatherings? high-end lighting and sound system? or do you prefer the more mundane ritualistic types? Or...do you search for a church that stands only on the word of God? Be cautious, there is no perfect church, however, many beautiful churches can make you feel blessed. Remember, Satan uses our hearts to deceive us. Search the scriptures!
Satan is the supreme copycat. He's made a world of counterfeit versions of what God has created. He's not more powerful than God but he is more powerful than man...man who has not been born again in spirit. (Thank the Lord for his free gift of salvation!) Satan has many names..."the god of this world", "prince of the power of the air", "angel of light", "deceiver", "father of lies", etc... Observe Christian people's fruits and search the scriptures. Are they standing on the word or are they taking away from it or adding to it? Do they please the people or are they pleasing God? Are their good works the result of being born again or are they doing good works in vain (pleasing others, and themselves?) This ecumenical movement is the very thing the Bible warned us would happen in the end times (before Jesus' second coming.)
God constantly warned his children not to learn the ways of the heathen for they can be a snare and cause them to turn astray. "When thou art come into the land which the LORD thy God giveth thee, thou shalt not learn to do after the abominations of those nations." Deuteronomy 18:9 "The graven images of their gods shall ye burn with fire: thou shalt not desire the silver or gold that is on them, nor take it unto thee, lest thou be snared therein: for it is an abomination to the LORD thy God." Deuteronmy 7:25 Now I put my guard up no matter if someone is a dear friend, relative, church, or government, etc... I don't want to blindly follow along with any crowd especially in regards to tradition, mainstream cultures and holidays....no matter how tame things may seem. This is not a new law or rule that my little church made up...this is scriptural and believers likely want to stay as close to the Lord, completely obey his word, and not stray against his warnings and commandments. The apostle Paul wrote to the believers: "Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness? And what concord hath Christ with Belial? or what part hath he that believeth with an infidel? And what agreement hath the temple of God with idols? for ye are the temple of the living God; as God hath said, I will dwell in them, and walk in them; and I will be their God, and they shall be my people. Wherefore come out from among them, and be ye separate, saith the Lord, and touch not the unclean thing; and I will receive you, And will be a Father unto you, and ye shall be my sons and daughters, saith the Lord Almighty." 2 Corinthians 6:15-18 Reading the Bible now is like reading the daily news...eek! We are warned continually about the danger of adding to or taking away from God's word. The Apostle John wrote, "For I testify unto every man that heareth the words of the prophecy of this book, If any man shall add unto these things, God shall add unto him the plagues that are written in this book: And if any man shall take away from the words of the book of this prophecy, God shall take away his part out of the book of life, and out of the holy city, and from the things which are written in this book." Revelation 22:18-19
I also learned that the Bible is a history book. The New Testament and Old Testament are equally important to study and it's also important to know what part applies to us today. In the timeline of the Bible, we are in the "church age". It is the age before the tribulation and Jesus' 2nd coming. One third of the Bible is prophecy and it has been 100% accurate. There are still many that are yet to be fulfilled. We do not know the hour of His 2nd coming and are ordered to stay sober and vigilant.
Here is a video of a recent Emergent Church conference held Feb. 2016:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BLsH5DlBQy0
BlessingsOnce A.J. and I had it reflected that we were ready to marry, we quickly got married at the nearest Atascosa County courthouse. It turned out to be beautiful and some of our family joined us. My sisters were a huge blessing by stepping in to help me put a dress together, made us a gorgeous cake, and took lovely pictures of the event. A.J. and I resided in Atascosa on the 2 acre property for over a year with 5 dogs and chickens in coops.
On November 20th, 2015 I donated my kidney to A.J. It was successful. We are recovering very well, by God's grace! We feel so grateful to family and our brethren who took care of us (we were very spoiled) and prayed so much for us. Words cannot express. The decision to donate, tests, and the surgery all happened within a few weeks. A.J. was about to start dialysis when we found out I was a match. We prayed for the Lord's will to be done. We pursued with the tests. It wasn't a difficult decision for me, by God's grace. "And whatsoever ye do, do it heartily, as to the Lord, and not unto men;" Colossians 3:23 So, I told A.J. that I wasn't doing it for him, lol. We praise the Lord!
In Conclusion
Bless you for reading thus far. I had a difficult time trying to word this testimony in hopes to catch the attention of "the old me". I think I failed. The old me probably would've "stoned" me already. I would be saying, "o.k., that's nice, sweetheart, you found peace and contentment." Or, I'd be thinking with much grief that I've become a bible thumper in an effort to fit in, impress, and have A.J. accept me...since I'm sure I'd be terrified to lose him that I'd even give him my kidney to keep him around. Eeek! Or,... I'd be disappointed that I utterly failed at being a good Catholic or mastering Ascension or any other metaphysical techniques I had studied...what a failure. Actually, I'd just be totally embarrassed for me. I would shiver seeing that I randomly threw in Bible verses thinking I am a bible scholar or something?....sigh. (Evidence I was under sorcery and major strong-holds and needed the Lord's deliverance and salvation!)
I believe nothing is impossible for the Lord. The apostle Paul, before his conversion, was being a good Pharisee by rounding up all the Christians to have them killed. After the supernatural conversion he had on his way to Damascus...when the Lord blinded him for three days, the scales fell from his eyes and he could then "see" God's truth. He understood with God's wisdom the revelation that Jesus is the Son of God who came to bear man's sins as an atonement...those sins are nailed to the cross and He died to save us from eternal hell. He was the final sacrifice. No more hundreds of laws to keep or sacrifices on the altars as an atonement for our daily sins. Paul then felt compelled to preach the gospel knowing that he would be persecuted for being a Christian...the people he used to persecute. That is a true believer's "great commission". (Read Mark 16:15 and the Epistles.)
To receive God's free gift of salvation that we cannot earn or work towards...is with great humility, to surrender all of yourself to God. Know you are a sinner (don't hold dear what the world may say about what kind of person you are...even if you're a sweetie pie), become aware of your sins, and repent. Believe the gospel...that God sent his only son to die on the tree as an atonement for all of our sins (past and future) and he only did this once...and that He rose again the 3rd day. Pray to God for a new heart, to be regenerated, to receive God's truth...and become a child of God. To be born again in spirit. Only God can give you the gift and the blessed assurance that we will always be with Him for eternity. That is true peace...God's peace. (Read 1 Corinthians 15:1-4)
"Wherefore he is able also to save them to the uttermost that come unto God by him, seeing he ever liveth to make intercession for them." Hebrews 7:25
Check yourself. Ask God to search you and guide you. Stay in His word. Do you have the fruits of salvation? Do you believe the gospel? Has the Lord given you a new heart? Are you eyes and ears open to His truth? Or, do you keep trying to achieve a good standing with God?
"And you hath he quickened, who were dead in trespasses and sins; Wherein in time past ye walked according to the course of this world, according to the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that now worketh in the children of disobedience: Among whom also we all had our conversation in times past in the lusts of our flesh, fulfilling the desires of the flesh and of the mind; and were by nature the children of wrath, even as others. But God, who is rich in mercy, for his great love wherewith he loved us, Even when we were dead in sins, hath quickened us together with Christ, (by grace ye are saved;) And hath raised us up together, and made us sit together in heavenly places in Christ Jesus:
That in the ages to come he might shew the exceeding riches of his grace in his kindness toward us through Christ Jesus. For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God: Not of works, lest any man should boast." Ephesians 2:1-9
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